Hell

No, I'm not a fire and brimstone preacher here to call everyone to repentance. Fact is, nobody needs that more than me. Preaching to the choir? Something like that.

No, this song, "Hope it give you hell" makes me think all the time. There was this guy I knew in High School. Matt. He had beautiful eyes and this smile that made me go totally weak in the knees. It was kinda that shy yet seductive smile that could do that to anyone. I thought he was beautiful. His mom was a good friend of mine and warned me against him. Now, if a woman warns you away from her son, saying he isn't good enough for you, you better listen.

He was abusive, selfish, and hateful. He still is. Fact is, I've seen his name in the newspaper for domestic violence so many times I've stopped counting. I've lost track of him completely, but I looked in my yearbook tonight just for fun, to try to remember what I ever saw in him. There it was, large as life. I totally know why all those girls and women put up with being beaten half to death by that man. Not that I would, but I can see why they do/did.

Not to appear to be too random, but whenever I am asked the question, "what is your greatest fear?" I have had the same answer all my life. No, not being raped. No, not losing my children, my husband, or my legs. All those things terrify me, don't get me wrong. But my greatest fear is falling in love with something I can't have. It's happened to me a couple times, and getting up every morning with the knowledge that what I want more than anything in the world will always be out of my reach is pure hell. I hate it. I think I'd rather live without legs than have to live with the constant hell of knowing that.

The two thoughts are completely unrelated, which is kinda funny, but not completely random, either. Thinking of Matt reminds me of high school, which reminds me of the man I married 14 years ago. He's gone now, and I fell so deeply in love with him that nothing can ever replace that feeling. Oh, Garry's still here, but he is not the same man he was in 1996. I married THAT man, and I was in love with THAT man. I love him still, but being so in love with who he was has blinded me to who he is...and who I am, I guess.

I don't know. Maybe I'm tired. Yeah, I'm tired.