MY life

So I know I posted a short rant on my Facebook page, and was brutally attacked by a man who chose to be offended, probably thinking I was badmouthing all of this delightful little town as a whole. I do need to make clear that I love this idiotic town, even with its corrupt city and county politics, "good old boy" system of running school and community sports, and all the other crap that would never be tolerated in a larger city. I get the "code" of St. Johns and I still live here because I like it. I really like that I am an outcast and always will be because I don't have to look at myself in the mirror each day and remind myself that while I call myself a member of the LDS church, my behavior says I am really more concerned with these "secret combinations." I am really glad I don't have to be "that person."

But one thing that really does bother me is that the same three or four people like to jump into the middle of everyone else's thoughts and try to turn the world around to favor themselves. As if MY facebook page needs to be about so-in-so's son who just happens to work at the store that I detest because of its piss-poor customer service. I was about to say that this said person's son is about the only one at that store who I have ever seen treating people nicely. But since I do not have the right to voice MY opinion on MY facebook page, I'll just keep that little tidbit to myself. He really is a nice guy, though.

I also find it interesting that people who confide in me about things, suddenly clam up and hide their opinion when I am sticking my neck out there in a very unpopular place. People who talk about how bad they hate that certain families get special favors because of their name, money, religious affiliation, personal vendettas, etc., but when those people are called up about it, suddenly these "friends" have no opinion. Love this so much!

Okay, I didn't just get on here to complain. I've tried countless times to change these things I speak of. I do not ask for help or "vent" until I have tried everything I know of to fix the problem. There are a lot of talkers out there in the world who refuse to try to walk the walk when it comes down to it. I break my back before I sit down and complain. It is part of my work ethic to work first, bitch later. Apparently this whole work ethic is a foreign concept to some people. These people figure others don't work any harder than they do, and so when someone is complaining, it is because they are too lazy to do anything about it. Well...I guess some people are like that, but not me.

Several people have asked me the last couple weeks why I didn't apply to work at St. Johns schools. There are still positions open that I am qualified for, so I will tell you. There's nobody out there reading this, so that was just a figure of speech. The truth is that I was very blatantly told that I could not work at the high school and so I need not bother to apply. I cannot remember the exact words, but they were something along the lines of, "maybe if we were desperate, we'd hire you as a last resort until someone else came along." Okay, I get that. I do. No hard feelings. Hope you guys can fill that other English position.  I was told in no subtle way that I could not really be expected to be hired at the Middle School unless I changed my own work ethic to not think for myself, not come up with any ideas for myself, follow blindly without desiring to improve my ability as a teacher, and to do whatever I was told to do, ethical or not. So needless to say, it will take an act of God to make me ever consider applying there. I love the teachers and the kids, and it is an amazing team in each grade level. And of course, my "brother" is an amazing guy who I would love to work with. I just don't see it fitting me unless something drastic changes. There is more to it than that, of course, but I don't really want to burn ALL my bridges. And the primary school...well, those guys down there are so awesome. So, so, so awesome! Great team, great admin, great support staff. But let's face it. I'm just not a kindergarten teacher, and as much as I would love to work with those amazing people at Coronado, I am just not a great teacher of little kiddoes. I am grateful the staff on my interview panel listened so closely to the promptings and did not hire me last year.

And the most important reason of all: more important than my dislike for some people in SJ, more important than my distaste for the gossip and backbiting I hear at church from people who work together, is the fact that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the people in Round Valley. I love my boss with all my heart. He is honest, hard-working, intelligent, funny, and allows all of us teachers to really spread our wings and expand our horizons to teach what we want, when we want and how we want. He bends over backwards to encourage us to learn as much as we can, take extra classes, attend seminars, and just be the best we can be. We do not lose our integrity or individuality by working on his team, and I really feel like we are a team. I love, love, love my 8th-grade team! There are some very strong, very smart personalities on our team that really make for a fun experience. They are all smart and talented and willing to help out the rookie (yeah, me) with all those little things that we need help with. They took me under their wings and molded me and guided me and gave me advice without forcing me to take it. This team is amazing! My science team is equally amazing, and I have never instantly loved or respected anyone the way I have Lisa and Carlynn. These two ladies are so enthusiastic and driven in their careers. They learn everything they can to be the best possible, they have passion for the kids and for education, and they want to make it as fun as possible while reaching very lofty goals. They are amazing ladies and I feel so privileged to be able to work with them. I can only get better by being around them.
Plus, I have a greenhouse on my classroom. Seriously, a greenhouse. And I run the gifted program, and have several other responsiblities that I find challenging and fun! I can't think of anything that would make me walk away from the amazing career opportunity I have at Round Valley Middle School. I feel like I have found my place in the world, and I can't imagine having to give that up. I certainly would never do it willingly.

Anyway, I just really like where I am. I like not having to face my boss and not know whether he is wearing his "principal" hat or his "stake president" hat. I really like the fact that I don't even have to see it. I really like that I can go to church and still respect the people in my ward and my stake because I am not seeing them do anything unethical at work. I like going to work with people in Round Valley and not having to wonder what they do out in the community, whether they fulfill church callings or not, and whether they are involved with community stuff. I like having the divide between MY life in Round Valley and my FAMILY life here in Saint Johns.

*sigh*

Welp, I'm back where I started before I lost 40 pounds. Here's what's going on in my life, truthfully, no holds barred, no punches pulled.
I'm taking classes at two colleges, trying to get some degrees done, and they are killing me.
I'm suffering from the worst bout of depression I've ever felt, but am scared to tell my husband because he'll do one of two things: Tell me it's all in my head, laugh at me, and say I need to "get over it" or deny depression exists, blame me for spending money on the last doctor I went to (chiropractor) and tell me he's not paying for any kind of treatment. And in both cases, make me feel like an idiot, weak-willed, and a sucker for believing in such a thing.
I'm terrified that I will not get a teaching contract next year. I do not want to work full-time and I am loving subbing, but at the same time, I have $23,000 of student loans I need a job to pay back when they start coming due.
We got almost $9,000 back from our tax return and nearly every penny is gone. What have I personally gotten out of it? A new Mantis tiller, to a tune of about $350. The rest of it has gone to a trailer HE wanted, cattle HE wanted and his friend ropes, some stuff for the house, and I don't have a clue where the rest went. Honestly, not a clue.
I'm fat, so that makes me more depressed, which makes me want to eat, which makes me more fat, which is even that much more depressing...see a pattern? It's bad ugly and I feel like I am spiraling out of control.
My dear husband told me last spring that our entire 15 year marriage has been built on a sham. That he wishes we could have back what we once had, but that he doesn't think that will ever happen, so it isn't worth the effort. A year and a half ago, he told me to make reservations for us to stay at The Springs at Pagosa Springs in Colorado. 4 months ago, he changed his mind, and told me to cancel, saying he'd come up with something more fun for us. Yep, now there is barely enough money left in the savings to pay for next session's college classes, and our anniversary is in 6 weeks. Yep, one more year with absolutely nothing but maybe a lunch (with the 6-year-old) at Subway. Hey, at least we have a Subway now!! After 15 years...but what do you expect when the whole thing is built on lies? Eh. Whatever.
Not even going to mention the sex. I just wish I could get cash so I didn't feel like it was completely pointless to me. Cash soothes a lot of problems.
My life is just spiraling out of control, and it is like I am barely hanging on by a thread, watching it all happen. I'm clinging to the bars of this ride, just hoping I don't fly out of the car or puke all over myself. The puking is inevitable, but I hope it isn't all that bad. At this point, I literally don't know what is going to happen to me.
And having no friends....well, that is not helpful. I never really wished for friends because that is just more drama to contend with, but at this point, venting might give me some new ideas about how to deal with stuff. But then...a friend would not want to be burdened with my crap, either.
Man, I really miss my horse and my dogs today. I kinda wish my chickens were a little more intelligent and a little nicer. I don't want to talk to my plants in the chance my negative waves would kill them.

Wait... I wonder if my negative waves are what's killing me!!

Some Truths

Well, I hate to do this, but this is MY blog, and if someone reads it and doesn't like what I have to say, it is no skin off my nose. This is MINE and people are welcome to read and think, but they are not welcome to flame or be rude. And they are not welcome to take offense. So "group," take note, I'm about to speak my mind. And not the mind I keep in check while I am around you all.

We had a family reunion last month, and we saw some cousins we hadn't seen in several years and played some wicked cool games. Had a good time, overall. But then the backbiting started up, and it's been two weeks, and all I've seen, heard, and felt is Nikki's "negativity bubble." It surrounds this family like a fart cloud. Stinks that bad, too. "Let's do this for this child," one says. "Who cares that the other 57 members of the family want something different?" "We have to have the reunion this week because it will conflict with this other thing..." "I can't come to the reunion unless we have it here..." So. How about we say screw the freaking reunion and everyone can keep their comments to themselves and stay home? That's the idea I like the best and I don't have to hear all the lies and see all the two-faced people who would just as soon stick a knife in the back of a family member than actually show their backbone and speak their true thoughts. Everyone's thinking the same thing: We like the mountains! We like the cool pines. We don't want to be in dust and dirt and down low where it gets 100º during the day. But nobody will say it in "public," only behind others' backs so that there is a constant murmur until the person in question walks in. Usually it's me, which I think is hillarious. Sometimes I walk over to where people are talking just to hear them go silent all of a sudden. Then I'll walk around a camper when I know people are talking smack and it's almost like hearing brakes on the highway.

This family is no family. They act like they care about one another, act like they are happy to see each other, but when it comes down to it, every single one of them is keeping an imaginary score. "Oh, I gave you a good deal on...(whatever that person does for a living) so now you owe me..." "I helped you out with backing your trailer up, so now you need to...", "I came to your house and helped you move, so now I want you to..." It never ends. And the emotional blackmail! "Oh, that really hurt me that you said that. You should....to make up for it." WTF? Are you serious? Pouting? Whining? These are not children I am talking about, these are grown people, adults, parents, even grandparents. I believe even a great-grandparent or two! If it wasn't so petty, it would be funny. But more people have chosen to take offense and hold grudges and I mean petty, petty stuff. A word, 25 years ago, made one sister mad and now she won't talk to her brother. Oh, she'll talk ABOUT him all you want, but not to him. Or it is one of those fish handshakes and a tap on the back and a "I'm glad you made it." Or one sibling makes more money and so everyone hates him because he has no problem living high on the hog. He doesn't want to camp. That makes him a bad person? Um, no! If I had the money to drive back and forth to a motel, I sure as heck wouldn't want to sleep outside with bugs and rain and dirt falling down all over me all night.

And this is supposedly a "family" reunion. But there's a "good reunion" up in Alpine every year around labor day. Nobody with small children is invited. (so much for family togetherness) Only certain of the siblings is invited, and many don't know it is even going on. We went once, and because ours were the only kids there, they were bored and annoyed the adults a LOT. Annoyed me alot, actually, and when I found out the reason we didn't know until the last moment was because someone had emotionally blackmailed the rest of the group into agreeing to tell us, I vowed never to go again. And I haven't. And I never will, either.

MY life is not complicated. I wake up, I walk, I go to work, I come home. That's my life. It's the same every day. In summer, I wake up, I walk, I go do whatever the kids have signed up to do, and I come home. I do not have adult friends, I don't "do lunch" except every month or so with my visiting teacher, and I don't gossip. I have NO idea whose husband is stepping on on them, or whose girls are getting knocked up by whose boys. I don't know and I don't care. I don't want to know. I keep my life simple because I cannot take drama. It is stress I cannot handle, do not want, and do not need. This family stresses me out so bad that I almost cannot stand to even think about being around them. Which is sad because I genuinely love each and every one of them, despite all the flaws. I just cannot handle the drama that occurs when they are together.

Okay, got that off my chest. If one of you out there decides to take offense, remember I warned you. This is MY thoughts, in MY personal space. You have no right to hold them against me because I have the same rights anyone else does to express opinions. There you have it!

Yeah, I removed my weight loss ticker because I'm only 10 pounds from having gained all 40 of them back. It's a bit depressing, but a real testament to the shape of my life and mental state. I am so happy I can write and not be really revealing anything to anyone because nobody is reading this. I guess that is a good thing, even though as I browse through all the blogs I read, I notice everyone but me has friends who care about what they have to say. *sigh* But again, testament to my life...

So three weeks ago, I made a plan, while everyone was in the room with me, to go camping this weekend. I scribbled out softball practice, moved a 4-H meeting, cancelled another meeting, all so our little family of 5 could go camping. Get the hell out of this house, this town, and this mindframe. I wanted peace and relaxation more than anything in the world, so I wrote it on "THE CALENDAR". With everyone watching and laughing as I wrote it...
Two days later, Garry calls me and asks me what I think about going to Flagstaff or Mesa Verde and living on room service for a couple days. After I had discussed and explained all the reasons I wanted to GO CAMPING. In our regular spot, just the 5 of us. But he argued it would be more relaxing to go to a motel...
Then the Jeep broke down, and so we can pull the camper with the van, but we can't really go as many places as we could have with the Jeep, but then the excuse for not wanting to go camping is that the van won't get us where we normally go. I was trying to be flexible, said about 4 different options we could all live with...
Then all of a sudden a week ago, his sister decides to tell her mom she wants my husband, his brother, and their father to go down and move her from one house to another one. A week ago. After the plans were made, options were still hanging about WHERE to camp, but it was set in stone. No more. "I'm going with Papa to help move Nikki this weekend." Kinda like saying, "screw you, bitch. You should know by now you mean nothing to me. Duh!" So I said, okay, we'll just go out Saturday since he is going down Friday and will be home that night. HE shrugs his shoulders as if to say, "think what you want."
So we had a plan, the father in law decides he does not need my husband, and do Garry calls me up this morning, THURSDAY, and tells me this, and suggests we go to Show Low instead of camping, go bowling for $50 instead of camping for free, and maybe ride go-karts or play miniature golf, maybe go fishing one day or something like that. Well, the kids didn't act too distraught over the change of plans, so I shrugged, meaning in no unclear terms, "Whatever, at this point I'd just as soon have YOU leave and just leave me here to relax alone."
So two hours ago, I was in the kitchen, making homemade ice cream and dinner, and he comes in and tells me that we're taking his niece and nephew and I say, "cool, I'll just wander around Wal-Mart for a while instead," since I'm not terribly fond of bowling to begin with, can't see paying $8 to ride a go-Kart, and a game of mini-golf with 3 kids already makes me want to kill myself, so I can only imagine what it would be like with 5. And he has the nerve to say, "Why don't you just stop with the bitchy attitude and get involved." WTF??!? My involvement was planning a camping trip A MONTH AGO, including menus and buying the freaking food, and once again my weekend is going to be taken up babysitting someone else's freaking kids and using my first summer weekend as a family reunion. I'm so happy.
What is the problem, you might ask if you were reading this? Well, it's like this. Our marriage is on the shakiest of ground on the best of days. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that once the kids are out of the house, we will not be married anymore. He's told me at least a hundred times he does not love me, and stays with me because we're not miserable and the kids benefit from having two parents who get along. I can't say I disagree with that statement in the least, but it does make for some very awkward feelings inside me. When we have a chance to work on our family relations, I would really like to take that chance. And secretly, my hope is that someday I can do, say, or keep from saying, something that will make him love me. It won't happen when we're around any member of his family. Because, and this is another part of the problem, he still considers his mother and father and siblings and aunts and great aunts twice removed more of "his" family than me. Never mind that we've been sealed together for time and eternity. Nevermind that the GA have ALWAYS said a family consists of a husband and a wife. Nevermind that the new and everlasting covenant is that of eternal marriage and that husbands are supposed to "cleave unto his wife and none else."
But I guess, as I've decided about so many other things, I need to just suck it up, resolve myself to being alone, and start working on the relationship I have with myself, because it's apparent I'm the only one who wants to have a decent relationship with me. I"ll be alone in the end, and I guess I might as well give up on the idea of having a life mate and just start acting like I know what I know. Stop caring, stop trying, stop working on something that is dead. Beating a dead horse may tenderize the meat, but it still won't make it rideable. I guess I just need to accept that and stop fantasizing about a change.

Spring Fever and stuff

I THOUGHT it was spring. Silly me. But it doesn't hurt my feelings to get a little extra moisture to kick-start the growth of my plants that are still alive after the record-breaking wind five days ago. Well, as long as we get our July rains like we did NOT get last year...

We started building the addition on our house yesterday, and got halfway done with the floor before a) we found that "we" didn't buy enough OSB. Yeah, I didn't do the drawing or the figuring and b) it started raining and we had to put everything away for the night.

So we ran to Show Low today (sabbath) to get more wood that "we" didn't buy last time, as well as a new drill and a new miter saw that we needed. (No quotation marks that time because a miter saw is one I am NOT afraid of, and can use)

I expressed my opinion of the attention everyone gives my incarcerated sister and yep, you guessed it, I got my butt chewed for being selfish. Yeah, I'm selfish because it bothers me that everyone is "reminded" to send my sister Christmas cards, Birthday wishes, goodie boxes for Thanksgiving, and all because she is "locked up and can't be around family during the holidays." My heck, maybe I should commit a few crimes so I can get AWAY from said family! Nevertheless, she's in prison for sticky fingers and an undying desire to have attention, and so we're sending her cards, homemade gifts, food, and money and nobody but me seems to see that all the "ATTENTION" is a reward for all her law-breaking. I'd never want to get out if I kept getting things in there that I never got when I was out. Maybe that's why she's come up for parole board 4 times and has gotten into trouble days before each time! Go figure. Selfish me.

Speaking of selfish, I got a new serger for my birthday last week. Oh, it is cool! I haven't been able to play a whole lot with it yet, but I am making a dress right now that is going to be really cute! I think it is going to be too small, though, as I tried on the bodice and it squishes me to the point of "uni-boob" and I need help to get it off, but...Maybe it will be the incentive I need to get this weight back off...

I can see the end of my elementary education teaching education. Sound silly? It is! I've been in school for the last 27 years of my life, literally, with no break except when I had Louis and Dakota as babies, and even then I did correspondence courses. But like I said, the end is in sight. I have one more week of the two classes I am enrolled in now, then one more summer class, and student teaching from August to December, then I am completely done! Until the next degree plan gets started. I've decided I want to be a professional student. The desire to learn is the only real honorable reason for seeking a formal education, in my opinion. You can go to trade schools to learn job skills, but college is for knowledge. Call me silly, call me arrogant, but that is my belief and it is just as valid and valuable as yours or anyone else's. I will not argue, I will not defend, because I don't need to. It is an opinion, and it is mine, and nobody will change my mind. So there.

Life goes on, sometimes slow, sometimes at breakneck pace, but no matter what, it does go on. So for now, knowing nobody is reading this, I will seek to go on with my own selfish little life by signing off and reading a book while readying myself for bed. Good night, loyal spirits in the sky.

MY Political Agenda

Noboday can flame me because nobody is reading this! HA!
Something has been bothering me for a long time, but it is time to give voice to it. Our country is the greatest country on earth, with the best form of government man can organize. Granted, my church believes God's kingdom, with Jesus in charge, will be the perfect form of communism, and I believe in that to a degree. But democracy (really, a representative republic is what we have) is as good as man can get. I believe in this.
Where I have a hard time is when I look around and realize the American Dream, once a proud notion, has changed drastically in the last 50 years or so. During the first Great Depression in the early '30s, Americans dreamed of a time when their hard work would pay enough that they could get a phone in the house, or a new cart horse, or fix the barn that had been falling down for two years. They wanted nothing more than feed for the cow so they could have milk with their wheat cereal. But they fully intended to work for it, and work hard enough to kill themselves, if need be.
Those men and women were true Americans. There was no shame in working hard for what they had, and it was a bit distasteful when people grew "too big for their britches" as they moved to cities and became "soft" by working behind desks or in offices. That type of employment wasn't "working" to the average American. Government funding was given to American soldiers who had fought for the country in the First World War. Car makers and stock brokers and Farmers all lost their livelihoods, and thousands of Americans starved to death or died of disease that attacked those people who didn't have enough food or water to keep them healthy. Neighbors helped when they could, but often they just couldn't. The average American lived on 200 acres of land, less than 1000 square feet of it was taken up by their residence, including the barn. Often the barn was larger than the house and housed far more living things than the house did. The average American family had no car, no refrigerator, no television, no phone, no running water, and one radio. The average American family consisted of a man, his wife, and their 4 children. Often, one of the grandparents lived in the home with the family. The kids usually shared a single room, often in an unheated loft. The house is owned and was built by the family living in it. It was heated by burning wood or coal.
The average American girl had hair below her shoulders, one pair of shoes, four dresses, and didn't date until she was 16. The average American girl did not have pierced ears, and makeup was only for the very wealthy. They would pinch their cheeks to make them rosy before a date. 1 in 1000 teenage girls ended up pregnant.
The average American boy was working a full time job when he was 14, often on a farm or in a store in town. His hair was cut above his ears, and he usually owned two pairs of pants, a pair of boots, and a heavy woolen coat for working outside. If he got a girl pregnant, they got married and lived happily ever after. He usually did not finish high school, but he wasn't considered a drop-out, because he was working and paying his own way.
Flash forward to the '90s in this great nation. Now the average American doesn't own a shovel or a hoe. The average American lives on approximately 5000 square feet of land, nearly half of which is taken up by their lodging. The average American works less than 40 hours a week, and draws some kind of government funding at some people throughout their lives. The average American family consists of a man and his live-in girlfriend, and 1.8 children, living in a 2000 square-foot home that someone else owns. There are no grandparents in the home; they are stuffed in nursing homes where total strangers take care of them until they die. The average family has two cars, including at least one payment, 4 TVs, a refrigerator, running water and two bathrooms, at least 1 computer with internet service, and some kind of gaming system. The average American child doesn't know that milk comes out of a cow and thinks eggs are made in grocery stores.
The average teenage girl has hair above her shoulders and does not own a dress. She has at least 10 pairs of shoes, her own phone that she can carry around with her, and "dates" when she is 13. 1 in 18 teenage girls become pregnant.
The average teenage boy has hair below his shoulders, pants that hang from his hips and show his underwear, and has his own phone to carry around with him. If the average teenage boy gets a girl pregnant, she can't prove it because of how many boys she was with during the time when she could have become pregnant, so he pretends he doesn't know her and finds a new girl to be with.
The average American screams about equal rights for everyone, but can't even cook their own dinner without something that comes in a box. The average American demands free health care, utility assistance, and food stamps, but refuses to work anywhere that won't pay $20 an hour. The average American depends on the government for everything from food to housing to health care and clothing, yet complains that they don't get enough to survive.
There is something out of whack here. This "greatest" country has enabled the people herein for so long that a collapse of government would utterly destroy and end the lives of 2 billion people. Government has taken the place of parents and teachers and isn't teaching us anything except how to be lazy and complacent.
It is time to stand up and stop taking handouts. It is time to stand up and fend for ourselves. It is time we stand up and take care of ourselves and those around us. It is time we turn this country around into something worth standing up for. It is time we revive the REAL American dream.

Well, this is what I learned today.

First, I've noticed for several years that I can do well in not overeating all day long, but almost as soon as my husband walks through the door, I am at the fridge, in the cupboards, or rifling through the deep freeze for something to eat. I've had my suspicions as to why they were related, but today I think I really figured it out.

Here is what went down at my house this afternoon. I was in here studying for my AEPA exam. Well, I've been taking practice tests for months, and the social studies section is kicking my ass, to put it as mildly as possible while still emphasizing the seriousness of the situation. I have no clue why World War II is considered a bad war. Aren't all wars bad? Okay, so I am worried, deeply worried, because I know with the state of Arizona's budget that come July when new teachers are being hired and placed, they are only going to consider the very best of the best. People who don't pass the AEPA the first time just won't be considered. I'm worried that this section will keep me from passing. So I've been studying hard. Plus today is the first day of the new semester, and I have three assignments due by Friday.

So I'm studying and he walks in and I say casually but with seriousness, "I'm not even going to pass the test!" He walks by like I hadn't said a thing. I feel a wiggle in my stomach. A few minutes later, I say something about there being no jobs anyway, and he walks into the bathroom, changes his shirt, and walks out into the living room. Now the wiggle is crawling up my back. Keep in mind that while he's been playing golf or basketball or whatever it is that he does all day, I have yet to speak an entire sentence to another human being. It has been at least 8 hours since I talked to an adult, even to say hello. My dad called this morning, or it would have been more like 20 hours. So, like I've been reduced to a freakin dog, I follow him in the living room, where he picks up Houstan and gives him a hug and punches Louis in the arm and says something like "how was your day, Koda baby?" I'm looking left and right to make sure I am actually still in the room. So I say to him, "they say they are going to close the lake to try to make up some of the budget." "Hmph," he says as he reaches around the corner and grabs a hat. "I think I'm going to go over and see if Jeff needs any help getting the shingles onto his roof. How long til dinner?" "20 minutes until the rice is done," and I am left with those wiggles now in my jaw, clenching and unchlenching it, grinding my teeth, and a curious anger and frustration building in my neck and shoulders. I roll my head (and my eyes) to try to relieve the stress and go back to sauteeing chicken. No more words. Then, it is after dark when he comes back in, after Dakota and I have already eaten, and he eats and puts stuff away. Then he comes in while I am taking yet another practice test, THAT IS TIMED, and starts talking about stuff to do with work that I know he talked to his mom about 6 hours ago when it was fresh in his mind, and expects me to listen attentively and offer up words of encouragement or awe, or whatever.

This is not uncommon. In fact, it doesn't vary at all. He gets to go away from this house all day, for 10 hours, and although my life at home isn't terribly exciting, things do go on here that I might want to talk about. I am a very talkative person to begin with, so when my entire day's worth of words can be written on two lines of regular notebook paper, that is a cause for serious frustration on my part. On top of that, I realize that not only do I feel like what I do here is worthless, he does too. Why else would he not want to hear anything about it?

So where do I go to have these emotional need met? Food. Food never lets me down. It makes me feel bloated and tired, but at least when I am tired and sleeping, I can dream of brilliant, beautiful men who listen to me and care about what I have to say, and who want to hold my hand and rub my hair and lean my head against their chest and say, "Don't worry. You are wonderful, everyone wants you to work for them," or "You are the most beautiful, intelligent woman I know, and I know you will make things happen for us." And we talk for hours, and they whisper sweet things to me, and tell me that I am too thin because in my dreams, my dream husband cares about what I have to say so I don't turn to food for comfort. But then I wake up and realize it was all a dream and that makes me depressed and I go grab some hot cocoa with hazelnut creamer and some whole grain toast with Jif crunchy peanut butter. A midnight snack that consists of nothing but sugar, carbs, and fat, and about 600 calories. But I eat it and I enjoy it, and all the while I am screaming at myself very loudly in my mind that I do not want it, I should not eat it, and that I know I am going to hate myself for eating it.

And I do. And that depresses me, and so I lay in bed as long as I can the next morning, telling myself I will do better today, and I eat only egg whites and hash browns with no oil or butter for breakfast and a salad for lunch, with fat-free Caesar Italian dressing, and I do so awesome--Until 4:40, and Garry walks in the door. And those familiar wiggles start crawling through my stomach, up my spine, and my teeth clench, and my neck hurts, and all I want to do is go for a long run, but it is cold, and there are brownies left over from last night. Louis made them, and they have nuts and marshmallows on top, and I even bought milk today to go with them...