*sigh*

Welp, I'm back where I started before I lost 40 pounds. Here's what's going on in my life, truthfully, no holds barred, no punches pulled.
I'm taking classes at two colleges, trying to get some degrees done, and they are killing me.
I'm suffering from the worst bout of depression I've ever felt, but am scared to tell my husband because he'll do one of two things: Tell me it's all in my head, laugh at me, and say I need to "get over it" or deny depression exists, blame me for spending money on the last doctor I went to (chiropractor) and tell me he's not paying for any kind of treatment. And in both cases, make me feel like an idiot, weak-willed, and a sucker for believing in such a thing.
I'm terrified that I will not get a teaching contract next year. I do not want to work full-time and I am loving subbing, but at the same time, I have $23,000 of student loans I need a job to pay back when they start coming due.
We got almost $9,000 back from our tax return and nearly every penny is gone. What have I personally gotten out of it? A new Mantis tiller, to a tune of about $350. The rest of it has gone to a trailer HE wanted, cattle HE wanted and his friend ropes, some stuff for the house, and I don't have a clue where the rest went. Honestly, not a clue.
I'm fat, so that makes me more depressed, which makes me want to eat, which makes me more fat, which is even that much more depressing...see a pattern? It's bad ugly and I feel like I am spiraling out of control.
My dear husband told me last spring that our entire 15 year marriage has been built on a sham. That he wishes we could have back what we once had, but that he doesn't think that will ever happen, so it isn't worth the effort. A year and a half ago, he told me to make reservations for us to stay at The Springs at Pagosa Springs in Colorado. 4 months ago, he changed his mind, and told me to cancel, saying he'd come up with something more fun for us. Yep, now there is barely enough money left in the savings to pay for next session's college classes, and our anniversary is in 6 weeks. Yep, one more year with absolutely nothing but maybe a lunch (with the 6-year-old) at Subway. Hey, at least we have a Subway now!! After 15 years...but what do you expect when the whole thing is built on lies? Eh. Whatever.
Not even going to mention the sex. I just wish I could get cash so I didn't feel like it was completely pointless to me. Cash soothes a lot of problems.
My life is just spiraling out of control, and it is like I am barely hanging on by a thread, watching it all happen. I'm clinging to the bars of this ride, just hoping I don't fly out of the car or puke all over myself. The puking is inevitable, but I hope it isn't all that bad. At this point, I literally don't know what is going to happen to me.
And having no friends....well, that is not helpful. I never really wished for friends because that is just more drama to contend with, but at this point, venting might give me some new ideas about how to deal with stuff. But then...a friend would not want to be burdened with my crap, either.
Man, I really miss my horse and my dogs today. I kinda wish my chickens were a little more intelligent and a little nicer. I don't want to talk to my plants in the chance my negative waves would kill them.

Wait... I wonder if my negative waves are what's killing me!!