This Christmas, as the 13 before it, I have not had a job. There was one in 2003, where I did have a job over the Christmas season, but it brings up so many other horrible memories that I have chosen to block that particular year out of all my conscious thought. Well, I know the thought is that there are a lot of people out of work, but that isn't the problem here. Because I don't work outside the home, I deal with self-doubt and a sense of uselessness every day of my life. My husband is a good man and has never made our family suffer needlessly for lack of a steady paycheck, so I've never "needed" to work. But what that means to me personally is that since I don't work, not only do I not have the right to any money, I don't want to have to rely on him for every cent I want to spend on him. For example, I asked him for some money to buy him a gift, which of course, makes me feel more useless and pathetic than ever. But he said no. He said he didn't want anything. But his birthday is next week, and he's got a list a mile long that he spouted off to his mom when she asked what he wanted for his birthday. And worse, I can't buy anything for my children either. I have to justify every $0.50 expenditure, and I don't like reporting to anyone that I bought a "secret" gift for one of the kids. It kinda defeats the purpose of buying things secretly. That is problem number one.
Problem number two is closely related to number one. EVERYONE expects something for Christmas. The in-laws expect a gift, and a long time ago, the three kids said they would each spend $50 towards gifts for their parents. Welp, once again, we didn't partake of this little tradition, even though the other two did. I wanted to, and I reminded him that we needed to set aside a couple hundred dollars to get things for the extended family. We had the money, we just didn't do it. So Christmas Eve rolled around this year and we are in Show Low exchanging gifts, and nobody had anything from our family. Oh, each one of us recieved something. But my brother- and sister-in-law and their three little kids didn't recieve anything. The grandparents were going to their house for Christmas morning, so they saved the gifts for then, but we were supposed to participate in this exchange. But again, because he controls every cent of money, which is his right since he earns every cent of the money, I had no say, and it isn't really the thought that counts. Nobody knows how horrible I feel that their little kids had nothing to open for Christmas Eve. Nobody knows how I am still scheming in my mind how to buy them gifts when I get my financial aid money next week, and maybe lie and say that we just forgot them over here. I freaking hate this feeling, and I feel like if I was doing my part, and bringing in some funds that I had control over, this would not be happening and I would not feel like crap. In a nutshell, that is problem number 2.
Problem number 3, again, is related to money and my lack of ability to provide or control any. My mom is without a job this year, and for the first time since I remember, she really doesn't have any steady income. Yet, somehow, she managed to pick up books for my daughter, along with some homemade hot cocoa mix, that I know she put lots of love into. For me, she made an amazing scrapbook of pictures and stories about the Medley side of our family. She gave my oldest son money, because of problem number 4. And for my baby, she made a Sacrament Meeting activity book, which is awesome. He'll be able to use it all year and think of her every time we pull it out. She went out of her way to make awesome, heartfelt gifts for my family, and once again, because I don't have any money control, she got nothing for us. Oh, I take that back. I made her a gingerbread house. It turned out really cool, but it is nothing compared to the work she put into our gifts.
Problem number 4, as alluded to above, is the attitude my children have. Child #1 hates clothes. He swears it should be against the law for anyone to give any child clothes as a gift, for any reason. So while I was making pajamas and hats and scarves and ponchos for my other two kids, I didn't make him anything. At first, I thought, "that will show him. While the other kids get nice warm pajamas and stuff, he'll be wishing he had them." But looking at it from how I would have been thinking about it when I was 13, he probably thinks I don't love him as much as the othr two, since I obviously didn't make him anything. And, of course, that also meant he didn't get anything from me, since I have no control of money to buy things for him. The other two children aren't as hung up on clothes as #1 is, but they still think they are "owed" everything they get, and more. So if they don't get everything they wanted, we have failed as parents. And the worst part of the whole thing is...
Problem number 5! It isn't just my kids! I am not the only one that feels the pressure. When my children go back to school, for the second Christmas in a row, they will not be telling their friends that they got a Wii or a Blu-Ray player or a big-screen for their bedroom. Shoot, the boys don't even HAVE their own rooms. But because the story will be that once again, the Hitchcock's can't keep up with the (fill in a name here)'s, and their kids are big nerds because they STILL don't have their own electronics and game playing systems. But even if the money was there, I refuse to submit to the pressure of people whose children are spoiled and lazy and just figure everyone owes them everything...
Christmas is about Jesus Christ, hence the "Christ" in "Christmas". No, he wasn't born in December, we all know that. We all know that historically, it would be much more accurate to celebrate his birth around Easter, but we already have the resurrection for that time of year. Christmas is a celebration of a miracle, and whether you believe it happened or not, THAT is what it is about. You can choose not to celebrate Christmas and nobody will care, but the celebration is about Christ, and if you can't stomach that, you need to not celebrate. Santa isn't real, never has been. He was actually "created" to give a less didactic view of Christmas to people, but he still represents Jesus Christ. Bet you didn't know that! Yep, its true! Santa brings gifts to symbolize not only the gifts the Three Kings (or wise men, or priests, or whatever you want to call them) brought to the toddler Christ, but also the gift Jesus was to give us of the atonement. My biggest problem is that people don't seem to know that anymore. People buy and buy, and spend money and buy more, and bad-mouth other people when they can't afford to buy more and they completely forgive that really, WE don't deserve to recieve gifts at all. It is CHRISTmas, not GENAmas, or LOUISmas. It isn't about me getting anything, it is about the celebration of Christ's birth. It should be simple, and gifts should be HANDMADE WITH LOVE, if exchanged at all. People should be spending their time doing what He would be doing, if He was here: helping the homeless or downtrodden, writing letters or making phone calls to the people we love, feeding the hungry, singing to lift the hearts of others. Christ would be worshipping His Father, not worshiping Sears or JC Penney. HE would be sitting around a table, breaking bread and spending time with those he loved, not running up credit card bills and treating other shoppers like they are slime under rocks.
I'm just sick of it. All of it. The whole Christmas experience. I love the time with the family or friends, but I'm tired of how the world has turned it into a commercial fiasco meant only to bring businesses the big bucks.
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