Frustration

Nobody's reading this, so unlike the diary I once had at mydeardiary.com (no longer a real "place"), I can't seem to get any feedback from anything I write. It seems that what I once said that I live a life nobody envies is completely accurate. In fact, I live a life so dull and boring that nobody even knows or cares that it exists. But that's okay, because I can write things on here that I know my more-frequently-read counterparts could not write because people we know would read it.

My problem tonight is that I haven't had anything published for over a year and I have to say the biggest reason is because I have been so focused on school and just getting through my life that I haven't written anything publishable in over a year! I've been trying to finish this one book for like three years, but every time I get the notion and the ideas to write down, life kicks in. Either it's the beginning of a new semester, or one of the kids is sick, or I volunteer to do something for someone. The biggest problem is that when I am out of school, I will be a certified teacher, and I won't have a job. The state of the state and federal budget is such that even after 8 years of college and thousands of dollars of debt, I will still be sitting here, on my ass, eating junk to hide my feelings, getting fatter and fatter, and probably still trying to finish this book. After all the sweat, the blood, the tears, and the broken relationships I am destroying even as I write this entry, I will still be unemployed, "worthless" as my husband says and I feel. A failure.

For 14 years, I have not had one cent that I didn't have to either beg my husband for or sell a belonging to get. For 14 years I have dreamed of the day that I would be drawing a steady paycheck that I could have a little bit of control over, and because of some very stupid and crooked politicians, it will likely be another 14 before I have the job I've studied countless hours to earn. I'm just so tired of being so dependent, so unproductive...so worthless. I am so tired of begging for $1 to buy a soda or a box of tampons. I'm just sick and tired of having no control over anything in my life. I'm just frustrated, I guess...